Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
