God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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