sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
