Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I want a musical about memes.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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