I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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