please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
