I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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