We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It's rum buckets o'clock
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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