Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
