I got chris browned last night
Having a random hookup so left but love u
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
