...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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