Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
