If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
