Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
