Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I got inside last night via doggy door
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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