what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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