Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Will exercising make me less horny?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
