dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
i came on her dog
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
