In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Barsexuality is the new black.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize
