Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
