you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
