I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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