Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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