I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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