you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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