FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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