matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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