i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
