Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
