After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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