after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
