it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
