i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
