So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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