I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
