I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
