sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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