i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
