New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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