Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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