I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
