Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
