tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
