If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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