Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
