I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
