He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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