1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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