hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
