You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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