Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I touched a dick in church today
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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