When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
