On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think I won the penis lottery.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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