just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
